12 Skills That Good Parents Have (Backed by Science) – Part-1

Parenting is actually a skill that we parents need to master. I wish to talk about 12 skills that every good parent needs to have. All these skills are scientifically backed by eminent psychologists.

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Now to the 12 tips.

#1: Focus more on your children’s positive behaviour than negative behavior.

The more parents scold or reprimand, the more the bad behaviour gets repeated.When they receive a lot of scolding, children start to internalise the belief that “I’m a bad child who misbehaves and gets scolded”.As such, they don’t feel motivated to correct their behaviour, because it has already become a part of their identity.

Good parents understand that the better approach is to acknowledge or describe their children’s good behaviour when they see it.You may have to go out of your way to do this, but you’ll soon observe your children’s behaviour improving.

#2: Teach your children to focus on the needs of others.

Lara Aknin’s research shows that children find happiness through giving to others sacrificially. These are interesting findings, because most of us are naturally self-centred. We look out for our own needs before the needs of others. But research indicates that if we overcome our selfish nature and focus on the needs of others, we’ll be happier.

If you want your children to lead joyful, fulfilling lives, teach them to serve others and contribute. Involve them in activities where they get to help others and make a positive impact. When your children think more in terms of contribution and less in terms of achievement, they’ll be on the path of building a meaningful life.

#3: Don’t shout at your children.

You’ve probably already told yourself that you shouldn’t shout at your children.But when your children are driving you up the wall, it isn’t easy to stop yourself from yelling.

Ming-Te Wang’s research findings are clear: The more you shout at your children, the more their behaviour will worsen. Instead of trying to control your children’s behaviour, understand their perspective and feelings. Then use logical reasoning to get through to them.

If you have trouble controlling your anger, try these tips:

·       Make a firm decision that you won’t shout at your children unless it’s a matter of safety

·       Decide beforehand what you’ll do if you start to become angry

·       Walk away from the situation if necessary

·       Take five deep breaths when you become agitated

·       Avoid using threats

·       Analyse the role you have to play in the conflict

·       Think about what unmet needs your child has, so that you can get to the root of the issue, e.g. he might feel as if he has no control over his life, which explains his rebellious behaviour

#4: Give your children responsibilities around the house.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the longest and best longitudinal studies ever done.One finding of the study is that children who do more chores around the house become happier later on.

Household responsibilities teach children important life lessons related to duty, cooperation, community and hard work. People who learn such lessons early in life are more likely to become well-adjusted adults. Successful parents make household chores a part of the family’s routine and culture. This sets children up for future success.

#5: Build a strong relationship with your spouse.

Children from low-conflict families are happier and more successful in the long run, as compared to children from high-conflict families. Research shows that parents who have a healthy marriage are more likely to raise children who are well-adjusted.

One of the most important things you can do to benefit your children is to build a strong relationship with your spouse. I don’t claim to be a marriage expert, but here are some pieces of advice I’ve received that have helped my husband and myself to build a strong marriage:

·       Focus on solving problems instead of assigning blame

·       Remember that the relationship is more important than being right

·       Whenever possible, sit side-by-side when you’re at a restaurant or café

·       Make time to talk every day

·    Ask “What can I give to the relationship?” more often than you ask “What can I get from the relationship?”

·       Discuss your future plans together

·       Don’t pick on your spouse’s flaws

·       Compliment your spouse in front of other people

·      Occasionally ask your spouse, “What can I do to be a better husband/wife?”

·       Don’t compare your marriage with other people’s marriages

·       Be kind and polite to your spouse

#6: Teach your children to view challenges positively.

Renowned psychologist Carol Dweck has spent decades, trying to understand, how your mindset affects how successful you become.She has found that people who view challenges and obstacles positively are far more likely to become successful than those who don’t.Successful people look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be fun. I’m going to learn a lot through the process of overcoming these challenges.”

On the other hand, people who aren’t so successful look at challenges and think: “It’s going to be hard, so I’d rather do something easier. I’ll try to avoid these challenges, but if I really can’t I’ll find a shortcut instead.”

These differing attitudes, develop in childhood and adolescence. As such, good parents hone their skill of enabling their children to view challenges positively.

These are six of the twelve tips that I feel that every good parent should have. In the next part, I will provide the remaining 6 tips.

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